I cant even iterate how tired I am feeling. I am feeling more tired than usual because of a horrible thing which happened to me. And this horrible thing which happened to me is merely a continuation of a long-drawn family feud.
I have no part in the feud because I did not do anything to create it. It was the resentment of my own family members who inspired their own battles. Their personal internal battles against their opinions of me.
At the age of 22, I was asked to leave my parents house. I just complete Bible School and took a couple of months off. While I was taking my own sweet time, my elder sister with family planning in mind, decided to move my parents to marine parade. A property closer to her MIL's place.
In the progression of all these moving, I guessed the thought of having to already moved not just my parents, with addition to my elder brother who is mentally challenged was already a great deal for them.
Somehow between these adults; my elder sister who is 6 years older than me, and my BIL years older than me reckoned that my parents were pampering me too much that I am taking my own sweet time to be someone, decided I should leave my parents' house and go live on my own.
In the progression of getting my parents to agree, which obviously my parents also agreed, it was not part of a thing if I had money to move. I was merely asked to move. I was not part of a discussion, but was ousted to me.
My father agreed to this absurd idea becauseI reckoned we lost our relationship after I made a decision to be a Christian and he was also running out of patience for my frequent late nights out, my some overnights outside etc... My mom easily agreed because she went with where the source of money went.
I was heartbroken, and long story short, I moved out, homesick for 6 months. At the initial phase of moving out, I went back to my parents place about one week later to visit. It was weird being a visitor. I brought my laptop to work and had to get some charge and my mom told me not to charge my laptop at their place because it costs them money.
I do not deny I held enough resentment there after.
I was even more broken and since I decided I would not visit that often anymore.
My family lived almost very well without me and I am often an outcast. Not just in my family. Even in the eyes of most of my relatives, I was as if a rebel. My tattoos did not help. And smoking habits and my love for drinking heighten those judgemental eyes.
You must be thinking if my parents did pampered me and spoilt me. Honestly, I deemed my parents pretty impartial parents. As any typical growing up kid, my mom had so much control over my freedom. But it's fine. Because in the first 16years of my life, everything in my eyes about my family were perfect. Until now. It still is.
After a certain age, I wanted to explore my life. I was like a usual teenager in my late teens, going for my sleepovers outside. Sometimes with friends, some periods with boyfriends. I explored simple vices. I wake at 10am and return at 2am?
In a family like mine, or for really down-to-earth people, maybe they dont do that. I cannot really say I am a rebel because I hardly did anything bad. I was a child or someone who was seeking out a life and identity of my own; - Which I did not get to find my own between 13-16.
But these are unbearable for my family.
These are some precious lessons I have learnt in this simple episode.
1. All children are different. If you have one who is self-motivated, your next child might not be in this form. Understanding your child's personality is important. Besides, don't our children essentially do take on our (the parents') personality traits?
If you cut off your child in this way, it will have to be understandable that your child might not return. Such manner of decision makings will only deteriorate what initially was merely brittle but not broken.
Which in my case, over the years I dont visit my parents that often anymore, because of the constant feeling of an outcast. And we have no conversations as well. Yet, in recent events, I highly suspect that in my family still expects me to be so 'there' and 'around'.
2. Filial Piety must be taught. In our parents' time, it could be about giving them that home allowance once you get your pay. But, as you teach your children kindness, empathy, it is as important for you to teach filial piety and how filial piety can be expressed. (Obviously you can stress on the method you prefer to feel your child's filial piety) To some parents is about spending time, to some is just monthly allowance.
Maybe to many people, or to you; you might be thinking "what? filial piety needs to be taught? isnt loving the family part of being a child?" I must tell you, I never felt that I did not love my family. In my search of my own whatever, I might not have been very plainly considerate but I was not doing anything which I would know consciously to harm my parents or anyone even. Nurture your child, the way you want him/her to be. If you assume, then sorry if your child totally did not catch on your channel.
3. Smokers, people who have tattoos, or people who go for late nights, aren't bad people. I love my body art. Yet, I am as ordinary a person as liken to anyone. At teen years, a child seeks to find identity not from home, but from the great big world. Be patient as parents. If you always had an existing relationship with your child, then communication can happen; which is a vital part of knowing what both of you are thinking about. Obviously vice versa.
So, communicate. If you are a 'No-No' parent, then you will know nothing sooner or later about your child.
Eventually, communication should never be one-way. Because I am your parent so you listen to me. It has to be both ways. At the least if you are really pissed with your child and you believe in one-way parenting, I suggest screaming out loud all your unhappiness of your child's behaviour and not drop a "hey get out" 2 weeks notice.
Parents ought not to do that and siblings should not try to be parents. The reason I gave my son siblings was for them to stand with one another. Unless your sib is really doing another obvious harm, if not; I would say; dont be nasty.
To be continued....