If I struggle through with anything deep within myself, is this secret fear...
Being a parent has to be almost like a worst thing a person would ever need to be and do. Even though at the end of the day, every parent will express their joy and happiness of having their little ones. But the truth is; everyday could jolly be a struggle.
I struggle between the thin line of if I am spoiling my child or am I disciplining him incorrectly. I wished he could be a little more independent but at the same time dread the day when my son will spread his wings and fly.
I struggle in wanting to care and love him but really hated all me and my husband's long long nights of struggling with his lousy nightly sleep hours.
I wanted to show him all my tenderness but at the same time, I might just lose my cool because I was overwhelmed that he got sick yet and again for the 2nd and 3rd time with a short month of viral infections, high fever... the worries I had... Having to endure looking at how sickly he was.
I wanted to speak to him all the time and at all times a loving tone but sometimes, yet and again, I will lose my cool.
Sometimes I secretly hated being a mom. I hated being a parent.
More than the fact that, we do not know how to be a parent, it is difficult being in this role. None of will truly know ain't it? Even if you are at your 2nd baby or 3rd or whatever number of children you have. Perhaps you gained a little more experience. But our children are individually so unique in their ways.
And especially if you are a new parent, what do you know? You observe, you read books... you ask, you get some suggestions. But the application can still be wrong, the results can still be way off what we expected.
Every time after an outburst, a breakdown, a 'crazy' moment, I will go back to my room and cry. I will ask God to forgive me because I was not 'perfect' like how I wish I would behave.
I remembered how just last week, I had an outburst because my son - 17months baby, was so sick, but he slept only an hour and thereafter refused to stay rested, - wanted to do anything but sleep. It was already way past bedtime and it was already his 2nd round of high fever from just 2 weeks before. I was so frustrated with his bad sleeping habits which I could never get it figured out, I screamed so loudly at him. Even after leaving the room, I still had so much negative emotions to release. I was so overwhelmed with my fatigue, my worry, my whatever that I was already going through.... I was punching my bed. I was just upset. I was filled with a thousand 'whys'.
I hated my life really. Finally after about a few mins, I went back up to his room, sat and cradled him. He stopped crying and he looked at me with tears coming down my eyes, just crying. In my heart, I was merely filled now with regrets. At the same time, exasperation. Desperation. And merely a mom who is at her loss.
Questions went through in and around my head. "what was I supposed to do?" "What could I have done?" " What have I not done?" "Have I not done enough?" and the list just had to go on....
I was depressed and really.... the secret fear inside of me... beyond this big fierce eyes people describe I have. This confident person my colleagues see... was just this fear - "If I am a good enough mom." If I am doing it right... I do not know.
Now, I learn to take a step at a time. Sometimes forward, sometimes a step back. Perhaps it is right, perhaps it is wrong. I do not know. And I have no absolute answers. I only know, every little small milestones or victory every day counts. Seeing my boy, recovering slowly is a sign that we are doing it right. Seeing him able to follow simple instructions and participating at home is a sign that we are doing fine. Seeing us kissing and hugging together tells me at the end of the day, all the pain we go through will be worth it someday.
So if you are a new parent or a parent of many beautiful children... it is true.. even if you feel alone, we are not alone. It is a phase everyone of us goes through and it is only being human.
But every night before bedtime, looking at how my son looks at me and smiles at me in the middle of the night, though he disrupts my sleep every night... he faithfully loves me every night as well.
Still a Struggling Mom