One of the feelings which is MOST MOST MOST apparent in any mommy; whether you are First Time or Mom of more than one child, you will never feel experience enough to rid yourself of that 'GUILT'.
Some mommies do not even need to wait for the going-home after delivery. They feel the guilt and stress immediately over issues like lack of breastmilk.
My guilt happened often than not the fact I FEEL MY TWO HANDS ARE TIED. It is as though my mind and my heart; they aren't in line. And my body is not doing what I want to do in my heart.
The guilt of always feeling that we did not do enough. This is real.
We often fall into this very silent trap of guilt-trips. These guilt trips taught us that we do not need to take care of ourselves. Unknowingly and by and by, you realised that you havent loved yourself enough.
I remember, my many times, when I was just too tired. I am frustrated inside of me. I have been holding it back not screaming at my child. I want to nurture my child in the most gentle way possible. I am trying hard not to scream at him or lose control. And while I am wrecking my brains on controlling myself, thinking of ways to resolve my son's problems... he is just right in front of me; screaming at the highest note he can find within his vocal chords and yelling at me.
Every ounce of my son's yelling; his temper tantrums, seemingly gets to me unknowingly, and his yells are like telling me 'YOU ARE A BAD MOM AND I HATE YOU!'
Have you felt that way? If you have 12months and under infant. Dont worry. You are not there yet.
If you have a toddler like me... you feel me.
Finally after enduring my son's temper tantrums and him rejecting ALL MY GENTLENESS, the passive volcano inside of erupts. My words burn, my heart burns. I will yell at him so hard and bad that after each episode, I felt like I went for a run.
My racing heart of wanting to get back at my own son because of all my crazy emotions within myself just released itself without any ounce nor wanting of holding back. Because suddenly; I am like.. "Enough is enough!" "I have DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU AND YOU ARE A MERE INGRATE!"
In all these, we can only hope and pray that no one pulls the 'cane' out. Believe me, when I am extremely furious and unleashed my level 10 anger power, I have held a clothes hanger before. Yup...
And after everything somehow quietens down after the entire hiatus, therein the guilt sets in. The questioning of myself when I retreat back to somewhere, when my heartbeats slower and my body is trembling from anger to fear. The fear that I have done something wrong. The fear that my child hates me for good.
The GUILT FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO HOLD IT IN.. because I screamed at my beloved baby. Suddenly the thought that perhaps his behavior was more still acceptable but I was too quick to be impatient. The guilt deepens within myself of the belief that I AM A BAD MOM. I did not do enough to be enough.
Guilt is a silent killer. I have felt her many times eating me.. within.
Or the common guilt I feel of not spending enough time with either of my child. Trust me. When after I gave birth to my 2nd boo-boo, while he was admitted into the NICU, and I was discharged earlier than him; I was sitting in my bed, crying buckets of tears. I was crying not merely because of my boo-boo who is in the hospital now, I was crying because I had such strong fear and guilt that I might not be able to focus 100% on my then 22months old boy. My first love, my everything. My big baby boo.
I was crying for days and have I forgotten to tell you? I was crying like before I gave birth the day before. I feeling such burden of guilt even before anything was happening.
I still have to struggle with guilt-trips every now and then when I could only carry one and not the other. In the end, I trained myself physically to carry 2 of them all at the same time.
I tried to create fairness and a system of equality back at home, to not neglect one for another. Hence I have my Wednesdays Brekkie with my big boo before school and I have my friday mid-day outings with my small boo.
In these 3 years, all the hardships in parenthood and mothering, I can only tell you that all the emotions are so real but for me; - nothing beats GUILT. The feeling of guilt weighs so heavily within me; from episodes to episodes with my individual child and sometimes; when it rains, it just pours. I promise you; I think my life is over.
It is as if the setbacks I am going through as a mom is not enough for me and guilt has to set her strongholds over my life.
I can recall many times, when I am asking myself; if every mom has to struggle with guilt all the time; as long as they are a mom, wouldn't that be tormenting?
I am tormented really. Within myself; all the I am not good enough nonsense, the "I am not doing enough bullshit", "I perhaps should have".. All the moments when I knew I have shredded myself so thin, I need that rest, I need that break. I need to just retreat. I need to take a shower... Ya... shower... even peeing is not priority for me anymore.
Our children... they are too young. Especially toddlers to a young kid.. they are unable to regulate their own emotions. Hence, the only way for them is only Temper Tantrums. And the truth is; it will get increasingly difficult to manage their crazy emotions if we ourselves are running on deficit.
A deficit of a healthy emotional love tank. Because the busyness of mothering and expectations and guilt has eaten us up and suck us dry within.
Thats why you will see yourself, behaving like a mad person. Someone even you do not recognise. Or otherwise, cowering into the unreasonable demands of your child. Guilt does such things.
Rather than fight or flight, I decided that I was not going to allow guilt to trick me. I gave myself some perspectives by first believing that I AM GOOD. I saw the things I have done for my children, I remind myself of the sacrifices I made for each of them. The things we have provided for them.. And suddenly, as you start naming them, you realised, you have done countless and countless of things as a mom.
Inasmuch, people describes mom as superwoman, we are mere humans. The capacity which we have enlarged greatly since having our child is immense. But in all things, I have to admit that I have my limits. Mind you; it is not limitations. It is just limits. Even superheroes can fall.
I decided to meditate the good within me. And think of the worthiness of my own self. I realised that to be honest with myself that I have actually done my best and that my son is still unhappy about that; - is something I really cannot control.
I can only stand firm as a mom and be patient and gentle like a dove. Because the more regulated we ourselves are, the more our children will be.