I love all that I do. I am so proud of myself. I find myself amazing honestly that I took care of myself from since I delivered. I did it through a C-Sec, a useless confinement lady. I did my own chores, took care of my little boy, to working and keeping a discipline in my marriage and even my workouts.
All these are good and in fact great. It really makes me really hands-on and really independent. The learning curve was steep, yet definitely fulfilling whenever I see my son always watching out for me and look at me with his loving and endearing eyes.
But it is really just that 'moments'. You just feel like you can never stop. And it is tiring. You want to stop being a mom for like a day and you cant. Like I was sick, and I just could not just shut my 'mom-mode to rest'. I still need to feed, change him and all the etc...
Sometimes I wished a little more time to do my work, a little more time so that I do not need to rush from places to places. Or sometimes a little more personal time for myself to shower? Haha... life sucks sometimes...
Or a little more time to sleep. Or a little more time to spend with my Big Man, and to have a little more drink without feeling burden over alcohol content in the blood and milk or I just wished like I could just sleep without worrying that I overslept and missed the time to express milk. And to realised through all my rushing day-to-day schedule, that my breastmilk supply dropped and have to start worrying that I will not have enough for the kid. I wished I did not have to pop so much supplements or drink endless bowls of fishy papaya soup or spend 1 hour doing power-pumping.
I hate it when I have to rush picking my baby, feeling totally starved because I am missing my lunch all the time now, and have to jump straight into expressing breastmilk for next 30min at least.
And most of all, I looked at all the hung photos on the wall of my Big Man and I, all the places we have been to, all our impromptu travels. The fun and far places... and I will be standing somewhere at my home, carry the little bulb and wonder when could I leave with ease with my Big Man again, knowing that he will be in safe hands.
Or wishing a little more help somewhere...
Sometimes, it is tough. In fact, every any other day could felt totally challenging. But somehow, I just got to remind myself. - That things will work out just fine. And really, I do not know when I would see visibly the fruits of all my labour. But I will keep on keeping on. Knowing that if I keep my footing right, then everything will be alright even when it does not seem like the way I wished it would be.
Is it the same for you out there? Hang on.