Our current world is full of opinions, comparisons and all the whatevers... We the wives have definitely became much more outspoken, independent, capable and perhaps disrespectful to our husbands. A condescending wife will bring about a huge imbalance in the marriage and soon enough, your children will see it.
It is indeed a very common phenomenon for many wives to constantly feel that our husbands do not pay enough attention to details, or feel that they are too inward; that they are not outspoken enough, not quick enough, not caring enough and the list...... oh my... goes on.
If you feel that your husband is not supportive, you must read on.
Honestly, since from the beginning of the relationship, how much 'say' were your husband given.
I do not mean that our husbands were being suppressed from speaking. But we must understand that the wives often have More to 'say'. Haha... We have more eye for details, more feelings, more intuitiveness, more care.. and more blah and blah..
The following are some of my observations and understanding of why your husband might make you feel that he is not supportive because he is too 'quiet'? Too 'passive'? Too 'whatever-you-might-want-to-describe-it'?
From the beginning, your hubby gives in to you. And this is Point 1. Did you even think that you would marry him if your hubby had not learnt to accommodate to you and shut up?
Point 2, your hubby do not see the need to argue over the small things. He does not see the need to go through a huge debate with the wife to discuss on certain issues which she clearly has a direction/answer for. He recognises that she was just loudly ranting. And even if he has an opinion, think about Point 1.
Point 3, after experiencing 10 situations of having the wife making more of those 'suggestive decisions', if the hubby realises that the wife makes decent decisions, and the world hadn't fallen apart yet; meaning 'world peace' (for the guys), he will continue to allow the wife to make the decisions. (Bearing in mind from point 2 that she already has a direction most of the time).
To give an example, last week, I went on a weekday morning with my husband wanting to check out Heguru at Payar Labar Singpost. We were slightly delayed on that morning and we were kind of rushing. While looking around the mall for Heguru's location, I told my hubby that I want to go to the ladies. So he replied,"oh, go la... how bout I go make the $50 deposit and you go toilet and then we can leave."
My immediate response was;'Oh! No no no... I want to go. Because I want to ask some questions." He looked at me, and we both just laughed.
We laughed because he knew that I couldn't and wouldn't expect him to ask really about anything and I find it a kinda embarrassing moment that I had to reject his kind gesture and insist going to Heguru despite wanting to rush to the toilet and rush off for my next appointment.
I have been through those stages. I argued with my husband why he didnt ask that or this question. Why he didnt even think of asking that question or doing that thing. Why did he not speak up for me? Why was he not more outspoken. Until one point, I came to realize that if I continue to have such expectations, it will only bring a strain to my marriage and soon enough, one day, every thing will fall apart without us knowing why.
Sometimes as a wife, we need to be careful with our changing expectations. And this is often a woman's problem. Your expectation of your husband changes through the different phases of your marriage. After marriage, and after one child to children. Remember when you were fine with him earning 5K per month? Now its not alright anymore? Remember when you find him cute when he was shy? Now its irritatingly passive to you?
Remember the initial phase of your relationship, both of you; already knew what each were getting yourself into by marrying each other. Men by nature, usually are open books. You get what you see. If your hubby is a nice one, he likely is not a offensive one. If your hubby is the talkative one, then he would naturally have more opinions. If your hubby is the domineering one, he might not respect your ideas.
We need to remember as wives that we married our husbands for whom they were and apparently, still are. It will only be unfair for the man if the wife insists on wanting him to behave or become of another persona. It brings stress to the man, and it brings strain.
In our world today, we still have very nice and accommodating husbands, they are supportive but not loud. They are faithful and unselfish. Sometimes in my relentless pursuit of achieving certain results in our family, I forget to love my husband for who he really is. And I forgot that he was the one whom helped to clear that trash which could have bred pests, the one whom washed the dishes, the one whom work hard outside, being silent of the desire and burden of wanting to provide more for the family. I forgot that his lack of argument in our debates was because he has learnt to lose to me, for me to win. Because in a relationship, to win is to lose.
And our forgetfulness of all these, will slowly bring a rise to the disrespectful tone in the heart. And while this tone continues to ring, you will slowly become a condescending wife. And how do I define one? You start to be sarcastic. And you have much dissatisfaction of your husband. You start comparing him to 'I-Dont-Know-Who'. You start to feel that it is a waste of your breath explaining. Most importantly, you think you are better than him.
When you become a condescending wife. Or even starts becoming disrespectful, you have forgotten your positioning/calling as a wife. The virtuous wife. (Proverbs 31- reference). The wife of Proverbs 31 did all things. She took care of the man, she took care of the children, she earned her own keep. She was capable yet respectful to the man of the house.
We need to be reminded, it is not easy to be a wife. Forget about stupid wedding bells and your expensive gowns. This is what you have signed up for. And a word of caution, our children are watching us. Our children are not stupid goon goons. They are not looking out for parents who aren't divorced. They are looking out for parents who are lovingly in a marriage.
I will talk more on this topic because I know many women are throwing eggs on their laptops/phones after reading my post. So continue to stay tune while I leave today's topic a food for thought for you.
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Clucking off,
Mommyclucker