As many would have known, we were struggling to make our son sleep through the night.
But to many who might not have know - the depth of my desperation. My husband has been waking every 2 hours daily for 9 months. He is totally sleep deprived.
And apart from waking regularly these 9 months, he has often episodes of distress crying which we could not understand. Unconsobly consistent. And this brought the Great Depression to me. I was upset and angry and dreaded night time.
Someone suggested to me to stay by his side for 20 min after he sleeps because my son has separation anxiety and could go into his serious crying.
So last night I put him to bed, and lay my body behind him watching him. While watching him, I was fondling his hair and holding on to his small hand and poking his chubby fingers.
There and then, I felt enlightened once again. “The nights are long, the days are short.”
Suddenly it dawned unto me that one day I won’t be able to watch him sleep, play with his hair nor hold his hands to sleep. Not to mention, sleeping side by side. It will come this day, all that I am doing now? Will only be creepy and weird.
Our children and babies moved so quickly in their phases of life.
Everything new is explosive discoveries to them and new breakthroughs like standing, walking or sleeping through are the little fractions of them being more and more independent and less dependent on us as parents.
Then I think to myself; how could I ever still be able to be involved in his life.. of cause in a way which ain’t creepy or weird?
Parents, we all have the same chance. The fair deal. The deal that your children wants and needs you now.
I reflected upon Samuel (my LO), how he wants me 99% of his life, 99% of his time. Play with him, carry him etc... 1% is diaper changing time. Haha... he is always running away in his naked butt.
Our LOs wants us most of the time. They don’t just need us, THEY WANT US. They want their parents. And this is our chance. This opportunity which God has given to us to build this relationship well that when they grow up and that the tables have turned. - When the day comes that I want my son 99%, while he will only need me 1% of his life. Will he return? Will he want to fellowship over meals with us? Go overseas as a family together? Tells me he loves me everyday still?
Everything since my son was born, many things my husband and I talked bout was on his disciplines, his habits etc etc.. day 1 when he was born, I didn’t even dare to carry him, because I was afraid he will always expect me to carry him. Of cause now I am always carrying him because he always melts my heart with a handsome face.
We were always trying to train him for something. Sit through a meal, play by himself, learn some words, sleep train and the lists just goes on. Because we still wanted to have a life after his bedtime, we still wanted to not have to scream at someone over his meals...
I understand that all these trainings are important. They are vital to our children, the first steps of not being a spoilt brat and then worst to be scums of the society. Ain’t that what we all want to achieved?
But at the same time, looking at my son while he was asleep, I reminded myself... in d midst of all these strict disciplines and habits we want him to have, in the midst of the tiredness and more tiredness and trying to fight for sanity, have I forgotten to show him that I love him? Have I forgotten to enjoy him? Am I turning into that typical mom trying to stop him from being himself all the time? Or wishing him to be someone he is not ready to be?
It is so important to strike that balance. While doing all these disciplinary trainings, we need to enjoy our babies. It can be so tough sometimes esp to those areas they are weaker at, and that we are always at constant struggle with them. But we need to remember to accept them they way they are. Love them and be around them.
We are building our children to be society ready, we are not driving them away from us.
Probably when I am struggling with my son, I would have wished my nights be over soon... but I know one thing which serves as a reminder for me that all that I am doing now, - is they will not last forever. My son will need me lesser and lesser. When the time comes, will he want me as a mother? So I decided to persevere abit more. Focus on the good and positive. His beautiful smile and endearing eyes. The freedom to kiss and hug him whenever.
Is this what it is? To embrace motherhood and parenthood?